The counselor allowed him to divert the session to my past which was almost 30 years ago–this happened after she questioned him about anger issues. He raised his voice to her and she allowed him to talk about my past so I would look like this awful person. She says that even if he makes me pay the price in some way, shape or form in the future for saying something he doesn’t like that its better to pay the price rather than suppress it–does that make sense to you.

Nothing addressed about his behavior. It has become all about me and my response to it–which is usually a feeling of being shell shocked and knocked off of my feet. What do you suggest? The fact is that all of his past behavior is the reason things are in the state they are in now–but he fails to acknowledge any wrong doing–a Christian psychologist told me that he has narcissistic personality disorder. Life is all about him at everyone else’s expense. How do you even begin to address these issues in a setting where he is present and the counselor doesn’t seem to get it?
Dismayed

Dear Dismayed,

In abusive relationships, we do not recommend couple’s counseling. Often the abuser will manipulate the sessions. Retaliation toward the victim will occur after the sessions. We recommend each person seek out their own individual counseling to work on their own issues. When both parties have worked through their past or present issues, then and only then do we say to go into couple’s counseling. What you have experienced in couple’s counseling is common. The counselor should not have continued counseling both of you together.

In your relationship, you need to know when you can speak truth to him and when to walk away. You need someone to come into his life and hold him responsible for his behavior. I think your counselor was trying to get you to stand up to him by setting a boundary but at your great expense. The only hope of someone changing is that he receives consequences for his behavior. In these kinds of relationships though consequences need to come from an outside source. Boundary setting is done in baby steps. A great book to read is Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Safe People is another book by them.

I can understand your counselor’s concern about stuffing your feelings. That could be anger turned inward. This can lead to depression, bitterness, and health problems. Learning appropriate ways to let it out is essential. But in your case, it sounds like the counselor does not understand the dynamics of domestic violence and the manipulation that occurs by the abuser let alone the danger it puts you in. It sounds like you are being blamed for your husband’s behavior.

My suggestion for you is to stop couple’s counseling and enter into counseling just for yourself. I would also suggest that your husband see a different counselor than the one you see. Narcissist people are their own god. Until they make the true God their god there is no hope. They will continue to abuse others around them.

FOCUS Ministries

As you were born, your first cry echoed the room. Although your cry was not in understandable words, it expressed from your heart, LOVE ME! ACCEPT ME! What an exciting moment it was. A miracle from the hand of God had occurred. The miracle of life!

Then life happened. As you journeyed through circumstances and relationships, experiences came into your life. Some you could control and others were out of your control. These experiences remolded and reshaped you. Many may have wounded you along the way.

Look closely at Matthew 12:20-21. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory. In his name the nations will put their hope.”

Have you ever felt like a bruised reed as you wear the plastic smile upon your face? Did you at one time stand tall, upright, and sturdy rooted in confidence? Then something happened. You were bruised by the arrows of

Broken promises
Cruel words
Someone’s anger
A spouse’s or friend’s betrayal
Your own bad decisions
Religious legalism

The wounds pierced your heart and the light of your life became dimmer like a candle’s smoldering wick. The mark of God’s twinkle seemed to be fading and doubts about being God’s Precious Daughter entered. You wondered if God made a mistake when he designed you.

To make sure no one would notice, you applied more foundation and makeup to cover up the hurt within. You busied your day with home, church, and other activities to keep from dwelling on the pain. Maybe you dressed yourself with determination or denial as you looked for coping mechanisms.

You garnished your neck with glimmering emblems of royalty to mask the unworthiness you felt. Their brilliance drew attention away from the sadness in your eyes. Everything is fine became the proper response to those who asked.

The charade continued day after day. Numbness to feelings replaced the glow that was once visible. The tapes of what was said or done by others were set on replay. “A bruised reed . . . and a smoldering wick. . .”

Does that resonate with you? I know for many years it was a picture of me. Bent over and not able to look anyone in the eye for I bore the shame of my marriage that wasn’t working. As a Christian woman, wasn’t it my responsibility to fix it?

If someone knew the secret I kept, what would they think of me?
Did I deserve the abuse I was experiencing?
Was God displeased with me?
Did he take my imprint of God’s Precious Daughter from me?

These questions became part of a list that I carried in my mind and heart. It seemed like I added to the list on a daily basis. Slowly I adopted my husband’s perceptions of me. It was so subtle. These became labels that formed on top of God’s imprint.

For years I wandered aimlessly mechanically going through the routine of my day. Everything seemed meaningless. What purpose did I have but be subservient to my husband. A doormat. Less than. Not good enough. My self-worth plummeted and despair set in.
“A bruised reed . . . and a smoldering wick. . .”

Yes, I was a bruised reed and a smoldering wick. I became what I term as a nonperson. I had no right to feelings, opinions, thoughts, or ideas. Although I was an elementary school teacher with a master’s degree, all that was left was a shell of the person I once was.
It was amazing that in my job I was confident as I taught, yet at home I was afraid and walking on eggshells. I felt that everything was my fault. The man I loved was so well liked as a college professor, a neighbor, and a leader in our church. Something had to be wrong with me.

I spent many hours trying to figure out what the problem was. I am a person who commits and is loyal to that commitment. That can be a good trait, but it can place one in a situation that is not healthy. Instead of focusing first on God, my attention was drawn to the person who was sinning against me.

“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out,”

I may feel and appear like a bruised reed and a smoldering wick, but I will not be destroyed. God sees who I am, but he will not break me tossing me aside as useless and worthless nor will He blow out my inner light. Instead He will fill and nourish my soul through His Word and others. He will rekindle my flickering candle.

“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he leads justice to victory. In his name the nations will put their hope.”

God’s part is leading us from justice to victory. Our part is to put our hope in Him for He is the only one who can remold us into his creation.

As I travel back in time, I see the fingerprints of God all over my life. He lifted me out of the miry pit (a destructive marriage) to freedom to be who He created me to be, His Precious Beautiful Daughter. Although I rejoiced, I was scared to death. My earthly security was gone and the future was uncertain.

The transformation in me took time and the Lord’s patience. What was my purpose? I often asked. Quite honestly I was a mess. I was no longer young. My energy and strength were depleted.

God’s answer to me was to find others who were a mess and pray and encourage each other. I did not have to look far. We gathered together like quivering chicks huddling out of life’s storms. Slowly God purposed in me a ministry to help others to find hope and healing in Jesus Christ.

FOCUS Ministries was birthed when I was turning 50. Life wasn’t over. It was just beginning. The Lord was leading me from justice to victory. I had not been snuffed out or broken off. Instead I had been LOVED AND ACCEPTED. The cry we all came into this world claiming.

During the beginning of the ministry, God had to do a makeover in me. There were many layers of protection He had to peel off. He had to reveal to me that His twinkle, a mark of his perfection, was still on me. His love for me would never cease.

As I learned about boundaries and people pleasing, one by one the labels that covered the imprint of God’s Precious Daughter began to peel off. It was painful. He had to clean out the wounds I had incurred. That meant the band- aids I had placed on my heart had to be removed.

I felt like I walked through the valley of the shadow of death as Psalm 23 states. I had to die to my self-power and rely on His power within me.
This was my first step in putting my hope and trust in the Lord.
When we first decided on the name, FOCUS Ministries, we put the word FOCUS in capital letters. It is important to discover where our focus is. Is it on us and our circumstances or is it on the Lord. FOCUS also stands for Focus On Christ For Ultimate Satisfaction.

When we put our focus on the Lord, there will be an EXTREME MAKEOVER. The Lord only wants his best for us. What better hands to be in! The Lord must be our foundation from which we build our lives. If we do it without him, our lives will be a mess. We may look good on the outside, but inside our spirit is dying.

God can lead you to victory as he purifies your heart and reveals his purpose for you. The question is WILL YOU LET HIM? The choice is yours.

He has not removed the twinkle, the mark of his perfection on you. His imprint, God’s Precious Daughter, is still there. It has been covered up from the things you have experienced. The layers can come off with God’s help.

Remember: God is who He says He is. And He will do what He says He will do.
TRUST HIM!

By Paula Silva
(No longer a smoldering wick!)
© 2011 FOCUS Ministries, Inc. May/June FOCUS Newsletter

This approach places a heavy weight of guilt on the victim of abuse if she does not comply. Shunning occurs and support is lost. In Scripture, we are told to guard our heart, yet the victim is put in a position of vulnerability without seeing evidence of change by the perpetrator.

In Scripture, Joseph experienced being sinned against by his own brothers. Sold to the Ishmaelites for twenty shekels of silver by his brothers, Joseph was taken to Egypt. Joseph experienced many transitions in his life from being in Potiphar’s house, to prison, and then to governor of Egypt.

As a famine permeated the land, Joseph was given an opportunity to meet face to face with those that betrayed him. He recognized them, but they did not realize who he was. He did not immediately embrace them with forgiving words nor invite them into his house to start on the road of reconciliation. Instead he tested them to see if there had been a heart change.

In Genesis 37– 45, the story unfolds. He speaks to his brothers through an interpreter although he did understand their words. Private conversations between the brothers revealed the intent in their hearts.
Joseph first accuses them of being spies. The brothers deny the accusation. When questioned about their family, they speak of their youngest brother, Benjamin. Joseph then administers the first of a series of tests.

“You will not leave this place unless your youngest brother comes here. Send one of your number to get your brother, the rest will be kept in prison, so that your words may be tested to see if you are telling the truth.” Genesis 42:15-16 NIV Then Joseph places them in custody for three days.

He then ordered one of the brothers (Simeon) to stay behind in custody while the others returned home to bring the youngest brother back. Joseph observed their reaction and listened to their response as they talked among themselves for he understood their language.

Joseph not only sent the brothers on their way with grain but returned their own silver. When the brothers discovered the silver in their sacks, they were afraid.

Since the famine continued, there arose a need for the brothers to return to Egypt. Their father, Jacob, reluctantly let Benjamin go with them. Reuben offered to sacrifice his own sons if anything happened to Benjamin.

As the brothers returned to Egypt with Benjamin, they not only brought back the silver that had been returned to them plus more. Meeting the steward first, they divulged the truth regarding the silver.
After being reunited with Simeon, the brothers were invited to Joseph’s house for a meal. The brothers were seated according to chronological age and then served the meal. Benjamin’s portion was five times greater than his brothers.

In the morning all the brothers were sent back home with sacks of grain. Joseph’s silver cup was placed in Benjamin’s sack as Joseph had instructed. When the brothers had not gone far, Joseph sent his steward with specific instructions to retrieve the cup.

In answer to Joseph’s accusations of stealing, the brothers stated, “If any of your servants is found to have it, he will die; and the rest of us will become my lord’s slaves.” Genesis 44:9 NIV. The cup was found in Benjamin’s sack. All the brothers returned to Joseph.

Upon seeing Joseph, Judah makes a plea noting the grief this will bring to their father. After dismissing his attendants, Joseph reveals who he is and reconciliation begins. Joseph’s actions were not in retaliation to his brothers’ actions long ago.

Joseph tested their:
Honesty
The brothers told the truth about their whole family.
The brothers told the truth about the silver being returned to the steward

He was testing them for:
Jealousy
When Benjamin was given a larger portion at the meal
When Benjamin was given three hundred shekels of silver and five set of clothes

He was testing them to see if they were willing to:
Sacrifice
Reuben was willing to sacrifice his sons if something happened to Benjamin.
All brothers were willing to return to Egypt as servants when the cup was only found in Benjamin’s sack.

Throughout the testing, Joseph had compassion on his brothers as he provided for their needs as well as their families. Often times Joseph would remove himself to weep. Reconciliation was only initiated after a period of testing.

There is much to learn from Joseph’s story. There must have been many emotions, discouragement, anger, and fear of the unknown as he was cast into another culture in a foreign land with no family in the midst of strangers. He could have been a very bitter man, but we see no evidence of this in Scripture.
Joseph wisely assessed his brothers. He desired relationship, but one in which there would be honesty and no mistreatment. The testing revealed that selfishness had been replaced with empathy for others.
During the years of separation from family, healing from the pain of betrayal had occurred. The timing was right for Joseph to move into forgiveness. He saw God’s purpose in what had happened to him.
The events were all part of a larger picture for he states, “And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.” Genesis 45:5 NIV

Key points to remember:
Don’t let your desire for relationship blind you to evidence of a heart change in the offender.
Test the evidence for a long period of time to see consistency.
Don’t let the offender or others pressure you into reconciliation.
Ask for God’s discernment to determine if repentance is real or manipulation.

By Paula Silva ©2011 FOCUS Ministries, Inc. July/August FOCUS Newsletter

Erase the will nots,
may nots,
might nots that may find a home in my heart.
Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,
Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
my heart and my life all of the ‘am nots’
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thoughts that I am not good enough.
Amen

Author Known to God

Before my Mom died, many times she’d say of my situation that it will pass on and something else will come up. She’d explain that life always goes on and it’s how we handle things now that will give the instant and also long term results. My mom’s life was much like mine is. My dad mentally abused her as well as his children. When we became adults and moved out on our own, we watched in extreme pain as my mom continued to take the horrible words that dad would say to her. I love her so much and she was a wonderful person. If only she’d been permitted to talk, she had so much positive to say. She never felt that she was important enough to speak and felt that keeping quiet was the best way to keep the peace. When she did flare up at dad (yes, she could get fed up), he’d knock her words down with the most degrading comments. We’d often leave upset and sometimes in tears as my mom would reside to sitting in her chair staring knowing that if she uttered a word, it would cause more pain.
Painfully alone

Dear Painfully alone,
The emotional pain you are feeling is causing despair and depression. From your description, it looks like you and your children are the only ones in the family that are suffering pain. The pain is coming from someone else’s sin. In Galatians 6:7, it states “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked, a man reaps what he sows.” Unfortunately you are repeating what your husband is sowing.

My fear for you is that you will take the position that your mom took and “reside to sitting in your chair staring knowing that if you uttered a word, it would cause more pain.” My question to you is, “Is your husband feeling any pain from his actions and words toward you and the children?” What are the children learning from this environment? Boundaries need to be set and truth told with love and grace.

Speaking truth probably will cause pain/hurt for someone else but not harm them. If we have a physical pain, don’t we seek out help to address that pain and find solutions so that the pain will go away? If there is something wrong within us and we never feel pain, we will probably die. Pain is an indication that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Creating an environment that will bring the sinful person to the point of pain is not an easy task, but necessary. Unless your husband feels pain for his actions, there is little hope that he will change.

God does not expect us to just settle when there are options for us. He has told us to be a good steward of the life he has given us. Just sitting and doing nothing to avoid pain actually does bring more pain of hopelessness. Pain will exist whether we act or not, but taking action by setting boundaries can bring an end to the pain. We are here to walk this hard journey with you. You are not alone!

FOCUS Ministries

Though it’s been years, it still hurts when I see people be mean to me. I read my Bible for an hour a day and pray for at least an hour, maybe two, to get thru the day. I live a pretty isolated life myself and feel weak when I’m alone. My husband is a very strong personality and most people really like him. When I’m with him, I feel a lot stronger. He doesn’t seem to understand why it’s taking so long for me to heal. I’ve thought of moving to a new area completely (& sometimes pray God moves us), so that I don’t have to see people that hate me, but have read that that is just running. I read my Bible and know that God truly loves me, but when I get around the judgmental people I could cry.

Recovering

Dear Recovering:

It sounds like you are dealing with many issues in your life. Some are from the past that are affecting the present. Knowing who you are in Christ will replace the lies that have been told about you, lies you believe about yourself, and the labels you carry. I would suggest doing the Bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. Your life has been wallpapered with lies. The only way to replace the lies is with God’s Word in Scripture. Another book that would be helpful is Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge.

I would also suggest you take a sheet of paper and make two columns. On the left side write the lies and on the right side write scripture that counters that lie. Here are some scriptures to get you started.

Zech. 9:16-17 – “The Lord their God will save them on that day as the flock of his people. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown. How attractive and beautiful they will be!”

Psalm 45:11 – “The King is enthralled by your beauty!

Jeremiah 31:3-4 (NLT) – “I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you…you will be happy again.”

Zephaniah 3:16-17 (NLT) – “Cheer up…don’t be afraid! For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song!”

Psalm 139:13-16 – “For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

Only God’s Word can replace those lies. In the very beginning of creation, all of us were made in the image of God. God made us to be in relationship with him and others. We are not to live life alone. Even Christ when he was here on earth had close relationships. He didn’t do his ministry alone. As you replace the lies with scripture, start with one woman and begin to build a relationship. The isolation will disappear as you take the risk for others to know you. There are those out there who will care. We do.

FOCUS Ministries

Dear Friends:

In this joyous season of celebrating Christ’s birth, not every home is filled with “peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.” False peace reigns which has come with a high price; loss of life, loss of security, loss of safety, and loss of hope.

A small child sits alone in her dark bedroom gazing out of her window at the twinkling Christmas lights. A glistening tear trickles down the side of her face as she leans forward rocking back and forth clutching her doll. The chill of the night sends goose bumps up her arms. Sadness permeates her body as she slumps into her bed. Sleep is aloof as her thoughts turn to Christmas morning. She shudders at the memory of the last year’s Christmas. Fear begins to rise as she remembers how angry daddy was. She wonders if daddy will like his presents this year. They were picked out to his specification. She glances over at the special ornament she made for him and wonders if he will destroy it as he did her Christmas drawing. As sleep overtakes her, she is left with the question. “What am I doing to make daddy so mad all the time?”

Just like this little girl, children every day experience the consequences of domestic abuse. None of this did they cause. As they grow into their teen years, they have learned a very unhealthy lifestyle. During teen years, they turn to their peers for guidance instead of those who possess wisdom. Some are angry and some withdrawn taking the pain they feel inside out on themselves and others. The cycle of abuse continues. We see their pain and are willing to invest in their lives.

We want to invite you to partner with us as we invest in the lives of teens and children planting the truths of God’s Word and guiding them to God’s purpose for their lives. Currently we have outgrown our facility and are seeking a donated location in order to fulfill the tremendous need. Join with us to change the lives of this present generation by making a tax deductible gift or monthly pledge of $30, $50, $100 or more. Ongoing monthly support assists us in going forward in the vision God has given us. Donations can also be made online. Thank you for partnering with us. We covet your prayers.

Warmest regards,
Paula Silva
President/Co-founder

Former Pastor’s Wife

Dear Former Pastor’s Wife,

First of all I don’t believe your husband was a “godly man”. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. a Pharisee. He preached from the Bible but did not know the Bible in his heart. His heart is hard and not open to looking at himself nor willing to be held accountable. As a pastor, I believe God will hold him more accountable because of his actions toward you and your girls plus the deception he portrayed to his congregation.

You are not responsible for him changing. That is his responsibility. Consequences have to be given to show something is wrong. If you stayed longer you would see more damage to yourself and your daughters. It took a great deal of courage to leave the situation.

FOCUS Ministries

This is an issue that is very near my heart. And going in to this I want to make sure it is clear to all that I am not a therapist, counselor or pastor. I don’t have all the answers, but I do have compassion and understanding. I myself am a domestic violence survivor who not only found hope, healing and peace through Jesus, but also a true forgiveness and love for my ex-husband who was my abuser for 8 years.

I am excited yet hesitant about this ministry. I have never done anything like this and although my heart is there, I want to make sure that this ministry meets it’s goals of providing a friendly and safe atmosphere where there’s hope, healing and forgiveness along with awareness. I am looking forward to getting your leaders book and getting more direction from that. Please keep this ministry and me in your prayers. Any thoughts, ideas or help would be appreciated as I think it’s very important for all domestic violence organizations to support and encourage this new ministry.
Excited but Hesitant

Dear Excited but Hesitant:

I am so glad to hear that you share the passion we have to have a Christian support group for women who have experienced domestic violence and to educate those around you. None of us have all the answers no matter how long one has been in the ministry, but God does. This way we rely heavily on him to give us the wisdom and discernment to guide others. He gets all the glory and that is the way it should be.

Often God calls us way out of our comfort zone. He is looking for a willing vessel not a know it all. So as you take this step into ministry, God will stretch your faith and trust in him. It will not be an easy road, but it is exciting to see what God will do. It is okay to be scared. It is also okay to fail at times. God’s grace covers it all.

Start with prayer asking for God’s leading
Build a team of people who share your passion
Attend our Train the Trainer seminar which will assist you in starting a support group
Become a FOCUS support group to have ongoing assistance and support

God uses a willing servant who passionately follows Him.

FOCUS Ministries