Kiara first contacted FOCUS Ministries last fall when she and her five-year old daughter, Ellie,  were living in their car because they had recently escaped from the abuse of Ellie’s father.  She and her daughter came to our office to talk about how life was very very difficult for them.  Her daughter was very sweet and quietly colored a picture while Kiara told her story.  We were blessed to be able to give her gift cards to help with food and gas in her car.

Besides the physical and emotional abuse, the abuser had used the court system against Kiara.  She had endured many hearings in a nearby county, trying to obtain an order of protection against this dangerous man.  Finally she received the order of protection, after much perseverance and the Lord’s intercession for her.

This young woman of faith has seen the hand of God all over her circumstances these past six months and her faith has grown tremendously because of His goodness and provision.  She attended our support group and found the other women in the circle were very understanding and prayed for her.  She told us stories of childhood abuse from members of her family who were involved in witchcraft and the cult of freemasonry.

She connected with a shelter program for victims of domestic violence and was placed in a rental property with friends donating furniture and beds and food and necessities of life with a five-year old.  She enrolled Ellie in school and found employment at the day care department of the school so she could be close to her daughter.

Then Kiara got very sick.  

She couldn’t come to our support group and could barely talk on the phone.  She stopped attending the local food co-op.  We learned that Kiara was suffering from the effects of a broken furnace which was leaking carbon monoxide into the air of the home as well as gas leaks from the hot water heater.  The landlord was unresponsive to her requests for maintenance.  The domestic shelter program was also unresponsive.

One day, she could only lie on the floor of the townhouse and cry.  Her daughter was also crying.  With strength that could only come from the Lord she raised herself up off the floor and got Ellie and herself outside into the fresh air where she called 9-1-1.

For weeks following the near death experience, Kiara and Ellie lived in her car and at different shelters and hotels.  Miraculously the Lord arranged for her to be baptized at a local church and make connections with a personal injury lawyer to fight the legal battles against the dead-beat, neglectful landlord.

Last month, Kiara moved to another state where she lives with a friend of a friend who needed a roommate.  Within twenty-four hours of arrival, she had registered her daughter in a good school and found ample employment for her new life.  

All along the way, GOD has been faithful to Kiara and Ellie.  She sees it in her miraculous recovery from carbon monoxide poisoning.  She sees His deliverance when she escaped from abuse. She sees it in the sweet faith of her little girl.  She sees His faithfulness in friends who stepped up when she had nowhere to go.  She sees His tender hand in every provision and protection in her life.

Kiara sees that trusting the Lord doesn’t guarantee a trouble-free life, but He promises to care for us and to never leave us in our darkest times.  It is a blessing for FOCUS Ministries to help and serve and support women like Kiara and her precious Ellie.  May the Lord bless and keep you today and always as you come alongside our ministry and moms like Kiara.

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Big Man stood in the middle of the street with his hands on his hips, watching Little Wife drive away.  “She’s not worth it.  She’ll be back.  She has nowhere to go and she needs me.  She’ll be back in a little while, after she cools off.  She’s just not worth it, but she sure does need me,” and he walked back into his grim house, alone, mumbling to himself.

Meanwhile Little Wife was driving further and further away from his grim house, checking her rearview mirror and making important phone calls.  She felt empowered, full of energy and purpose.  She felt completely in control.  She felt like she was flying.

First she called her oldest daughter.  “Hi honey, this is Mom.  The kids and I escaped.  Can we stay with you for a couple of days until we make a plan?” 

“What?” Her daughter was incredulous and couldn’t believe the good news.  “Mom, of course!  My roommate is gone for a few days.  Yes, please stay here.   We’ll make a plan.  You’ll be safe here.  We have enough room.”

Then Little Wife called her brother.  “Hi, it’s me.  The kids and I escaped and we are free from Big Man.  Can you help us?”

“What?”  Her brother was shocked and amazed and happy.  “Of course, how much do you need?  I’m here for you always.  So glad you got away from that bully Big Man.”

Then Little Wife prayed.  “Father in heaven, you know my heart.  You know my situation.  You know what I should do next.  Please help me and help my children and keep us safe.  Show me what to do next.  I need you, Jesus.”

They arrived at Susan’s apartment about an hour later.  There were tears and hugs and laughter and much discussion about the events of the day.  Little Wife told Susan about Big Man’s endless ranting and raving, his manipulation, his gaslighting, his constant controlling her, his emotional abuse and the passive-aggressive attempts to suffocate her.

“Mom, I’m so glad you escaped.  We’ll rest and make a plan.  You have nothing with you?  No clothes? No stuff?”

“No, we pretty much just walked out with just one important thing.  See your sister has her Teddy bear and Tim has his Bible and Bill has his Tide pods he brought home from college.” And they laughed about that because Bill was smiling sheepishly.  

“I sure didn’t want him to take that away from us,” he explained, and they all laughed and laughed.  It felt so good to laugh.  

Little Wife kept her eyes on her phone, knowing that Big Man would be calling soon, asking where she was and telling her to come back home.  Sure enough, she saw his number on the screen, but she didn’t answer it.  Not just once, not just twice, but five times he called and left voicemails.  She ignored all the calls and text messages.  Little Wife went dark to Big Man.

She smiled and thanked God for the pizza Susan ordered.  They ate together happily, talking about the ways that the Lord had helped them so far.  As they curled up on the couches and on the blow-up bed, Little Wife thanked God for her family, for His provision and protection and for His plan, whatever it might be.  She knew that whatever was in their future was surely better than what they experienced these past years.  She knew that flying the coop was the BEST thing she had done in a long, long while.  And God was just getting started.

******

Chaplain’s Note:  When we are at the end of our rope, when we are running from the enemy and facing the seemingly endless Sea of Impossibilities, when it seems there is no way out, when it is the darkest night of our lives, THAT is when the love of God shines brightest.  

THAT is when doors miraculously open that we didn’t even see before. 

THAT is when God shows up and shows off. 

THAT is when abuse is redeemed.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”       Proverbs 3:5-6

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So many of the people who stopped at our table were interested in our Teen FOCUS program and especially excited to hear about our new Youth Workbook Study project.  We are all in agreement that it’s important to reach the young people with the Gospel and also with all the ways they can trust God to help them identify healthy relationships and run away from “red flag relationships”.  

Several of the church and Mission Fest attendees were grateful to learn that our trainings for DV Certification and Support Group Leadership are now available on our website.

Trinity’s Pastor Keith Speaks centered his message on the struggles we face as workers in the Lord’s harvest as well as the peace and protection that comes as we remember the Lord is with us always.  Chaplain Natalie was asked to describe how the Lord Jesus Christ has protected our ministry and the women we serve locally and across the nation.

We are very grateful for the assistance of our Very Valuable Volunteer, Nancy and for ongoing opportunities to share the mission of FOCUS Ministries with the churches who faithfully support us.

The post Mission Fest Event appeared first on FOCUS Ministries, Inc..

One Sunday morning, Little Wife and Big Man went to their church.  He gripped her hand tightly as they walked in and smiled brightly at the worshippers greeting them at the door.

“Good morning!  Good morning!  Yes, isn’t it a fine spring morning!  Praise the Lord for Sundays in the house of God.”

Little Wife kept her plastic smile on her face and followed Big Man into the auditorium where they took their usual seats.  Nobody could see the bruises or the shredded self-worth or the invisible wounds of emotional abuse.  The praise band started to play the first song and the congregation rose to their feet and sang with all their hearts.  Her mouth moved but no words came out.

Big Man kept his arm around his Little Wife throughout the service, squeezing her arm.  Nobody noticed that she was getting smaller and smaller.  In her little heart, she prayed silently, “Lord please deliver me from the hands and plans of evil men.”

Afterwards when they got home, Little Wife began to mix up blueberry pancakes and bacon for their Sunday brunch.  She chatted with her children and hummed a little song from church, “amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…”

Little Wife noticed that Big Man was gathering his usual Sunday golf supplies, ten beers in the cooler and six donuts in his golf bag.  He glared at her in the kitchen.  “You’re always thinking so much about God and about your kids.  You never support me, Little Wife.  Why don’t you come along and ride in the golf cart with me and support me for a change?  You don’t even know what a good golfer I am!  You should submit to me and come along with me, because that’s what the Bible says you should do.  Honor your husband and love him and spend time with him.  You should be spending your Sundays with me, instead of always cooking for the kids and others.”

Little Wife didn’t look up from her pancake griddle, but only kept smiling and humming to herself.  “Have a nice day at the golf course, Big Man, and we’ll see you later on this afternoon.”

She couldn’t quite explain her sunny mood, even in the midst of his bad attitude and verbal abuse.  She was strangely happy and hopeful today.  Maybe because she hadn’t drank any wine for five days.  Maybe because the birds were singing outside her kitchen and the flowers were blooming. Maybe because her children were so beautiful.  Maybe because she felt the love and peace of God that passes all understanding.

After brunch, she went for a long bike ride, and let the soft breeze blow her hair.  She might be a little wife, but she could still reach the pedals of her bike.  When she got home she opened her Bible and read some Psalms.  Then she read the Gospel story of Jesus talking to the woman at the well.  She was thankful for the truth and love of Jesus.  He was kind and gracious and attentive to the woman who had given up on love.  He knew everything she ever did and yet He loved her and accepted her.

“Jesus loves even me,” Little Wife whispered to herself.  She marveled at that thought while she sat on the front porch watching happy couples walking their dogs and strolling their babies along the sidewalk.  She smiled when she considered that the love of Jesus was enough for her.  She sipped her tea and nibbled on a leftover pancake and greeted everyone who looked her way.

Soon she heard the unmistakable roar of Big Man’s car coming up the street.  Little Wife knew the drill – smile and wave, welcome him home, ask about his game as she prepared his dinner.  But today felt different for Little Wife.  She didn’t do the drill.

He approached the front porch where Little Wife sat as content as a cat.  As she looked at his sunburned face, she saw his eyes were also red, angry and threatening.  He stumbled a bit coming up the stairs and sank heavily in his rocking chair.  Little Wife noticed that Big Man had dark stains on his shirt under his arm when he swiped at the drops of sweat on his forehead and his thinning hair was greasy.  Big Man scowled at Little Wife and when he spoke his words were slurred and hideous with insults and accusations.

“I spose you’ve been relaxing all day, Little Wife.  I spose you were too busy to make a dinner for me.  I’m sure you spent the afternoon talking to your friends on the phone.  You know, Little Wife, I really hate when you sit there smiling and smirking at me like you are so holy and perfect.”

Big Man’s voice got louder and louder.  The curses and accusations got louder and louder.  Neighbors and strangers walking by turned their heads to see what was going on at Big Man’s front porch.  Big Man was oblivious to their stares.  He was deeply focused on giving Little Wife the lecture he thought she deserved for disrespecting him so terribly and not supporting him and never caring much about him, but always ready to help others.

Little Wife sat quietly through his lecture, taking mental notes about his appearance and the content of his message.  She didn’t speak back, didn’t defend herself, simply listened quietly, remembering that the Lord was her shield, her fortress, her refuge and strength.  After about 45 minutes of Big Man’s ranting and raving, Little Wife stood to her feet.  

“Excuse me, Big Man,” she said as she stepped carefully over his outstretched legs.  He reached out to her, but she ignored him and went inside the house. She heard him stomp off the porch and get back into his car.  She stood like a statue inside the door and waited for him to roar away like a drunken fool.

“Kids!  Get your stuff.  Get what’s important to you.  Get the dog.  Grab some clothes and throw them in your backpack.  We’re leaving.  Enough is enough!”  Little Wife was serious and calm as she directed the kids. “He’s left for a little while so this is our time to go.  We might not be back for a long time so take whatever you need.  This is it.  That’s it.  Enough is enough.”

All around her was a quiet, holy peace as she helped the kids pack and then grabbed some clothes for herself.  She quickly called a friend who knew the situation and said, “Hi, it’s me. Yes, I’m okay.  The kids and I are leaving.  Can we come to your house and make a plan?  Really?  Oh you are the best!  God bless you and we’ll be there real soon.”

Little Wife and her kids walked calmly and silently out the front door.  Big Man was just pulling back into the driveway and getting out of his car with another six-pack of beer.  Little Wife was holding the leash of their dog and her kids were walking in single file down the stairs and down the sidewalk towards her car.  She unlocked the car, feeling the stare of Big Man burning a hole into her back.  She popped the trunk and threw the backpacks in.

“Hey!  What’s going on?  Where are you going?  When will you be back?  What are you doing?  What’s going on?”  Big Man’s loud voice faded in the background as Little Wife started up the car.  She turned and smiled happily at each of her children.

“Mom, where are we going?” her youngest daughter asked.  

“Honey, I don’t know, but God knows.  All I know is enough is enough,”  Little Wife checked her side mirrors, put the car in drive, and peeked into the rearview mirror where Big Man was standing in the middle of the street, growing smaller and smaller as they drove away.

*****

Chaplain’s Note:  Friends, we were never meant to live our lives under the yoke of slavery or the oppression of abuse.  Christ died for sinners like us.  His dying on the cross had purpose and meaning.  Our sins were forgiven, and by faith we never have to face the consequences of our own evil behavior.  The price He paid was very steep – His very life blood.  But Jesus Christ died for us because of His great love.  If you are in an abusive relationship, consider making a plan to escape as Little Wife did.  You are free in Christ, and He does not approve of abuse in a marriage.  He will make a way for you.  He IS the Way, the Truth and the Life.  He is our only Hope.  Do you believe it?

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”  Galatians 5:1

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We are so excited!

Our faith-based certification trainings are now available to access on our website!  We’ve gone WEBINAR!!

Our staff has worked long hours to record our two main faith-based trainings that have only been offered in-person until now. Now, you can register for both trainings online and log in to complete each section at your own pace and from the comfort of your office or home!

Register for either

Faith Based Domestic Violence Certificate Online Training Violence

Partners in the Journey: Faith Based Support Group Leaders Certificate Online Training

Here’s the full description for each of our certification trainings!

Domestic Violence Training

6 CEUs for Licensed Counselors, Social Workers, ICDVP, PAIP Online Training.

This training is for church leaders, lay people, and professionals.

One in four women in our churches experience domestic violence and abusive relationships. It is important to learn the various aspects of DV to appropriately minister to those who experience toxic relationships.

FOCUS faith based domestic violence training is a training program designed for those interested in working with domestic violence victims/survivors within the Christian community. Participants can expect to learn the dynamics of domestic abuse and best practices in co-facilitation of groups and/or a role of an advocate.

God delights in restoration of shattered souls. Healing comes by fully understanding the nature and ramifications of abuse. FOCUS believes that following a biblical path of restoration allows God’s grace to touch the heart’s deepest wounds.

More information and registration:

Faith Based Domestic Violence Certificate Online Training Violence

Partners in the Journey Training

9 CEUs for Licensed Counselors, Social Workers, ICDVP, PAIP

This training is for church leaders, lay people, and professionals.

As a lay person or professional, are you interested in starting a faith based support group for women who experience domestic violence and abusive relationships?

FOCUS Ministries offers a certificate program for support group leaders in our Partners in the Journey Training. The training covers all the aspects of starting a support group, the dynamics of support groups, domestic violence training, how to help a victim, and information on how to provide spiritual direction for victims of abuse.

Our training goes beyond the seminars. Our FOCUS support group leaders become part of a Christian community of leaders worldwide and a member of an established organization that has proven itself since 1995.

More information and registration:

Partners in the Journey: Faith Based Support Group Leaders Certificate Online Training

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On Monday, the Lord took away all of Little Wife’s cravings for drinking white wine, pink wine, red wine and everything else she drank for years.  She looked at the bottles of wine and felt nothing for them, no desire, no anticipation, no comfort, not even a passing interest.

She did not tell Big Man.

The next day, the Lord took away her need for chocolate.  Not a single Hershey kiss passed her lips from that day forth.  No more dark chocolate nibbles in the night.  No more rich hot cocoa with mini-mallows.  No more milk chocolate curls on her ice cream.  No more empty bottles of chocolate syrup rinsed out with a giant swig of milk.

She did not tell Big Man.

The next day, the Lord assured her that it would be best for her to not eat meat anymore.  She had been getting terrible abdominal pains for several weeks which seemed to coincide with red meat consumption.  She swore off surf and turf when they went out for dinner.  She wasn’t feeling the Whoppers with cheese anymore, and, of course,  it was best for her to skip the weekly Big Mac meal with Big Man.  Even chicken and fish suddenly lost their appeal.

She surely did not tell Big Man about this.

Little Wife did have a wonderful appetite for salads and fruit and veggies and whole wheat bread and smoothies!  She prepared herself healthy lunches and at dinnertime, she cooked meat meals for Big Man and was very content to fill up on yummy fresh side dishes.

“Little Wife, wouldn’t you like some of these delicious pork ribs?”  Big Man had been slow-cooking them in the oven and on the BBQ all afternoon.  He was very proud of his rib recipe, passed down from generations of his family and perfected in the kitchen of Big Man.  

(He was also very proud of how he used all the pots and pans and baking dishes and cooking utensils to make his famous rib recipe and then threw them all into the kitchen sink with gusto.  And Little Wife never complained about washing all his dirty dishes, but only grew more and more thankful for the time alone in the kitchen afterwards.)

“No, thank you, Big Man, I’m sure they’re very good, but I’m just enjoying my veggies and salad for supper tonight.  These are so tasty and healthy for me.  I’m on The Daniel Diet.”  Little Wife sat up straight and tall.  She spoke confidently about her new food choices, but felt a growing uneasiness as the silence of Big Man filled the room.

The mantle clock ticked and tocked, ticked and tocked.

When he finally spoke, it was a command, not an invitation.  “Why don’t you just try one of these ribs?” 

“No, I’m sorry, no thanks, you go ahead, Big Man,” replied Little Wife more quietly this time.

And it was just too much for Big Man.  He jumped up from his chair with a roar and grabbed Little Wife’s plate of food and flung it like a frisbee far across the kitchen where it smashed against the wall.  Mashed potatoes, little shreds of lettuce and salad dressing clung to the cupboard door in little sad clumps.  Broccoli and cherry tomatoes and carrots scampered away into the pantry.  The crash of the plate breaking into a million little pieces rang in Little Wife’s ear along with the howl of Big Man.

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?  WHY AREN’T YOU EATING MEAT?  WHY AREN’T YOU DRINKING WINE ANYMORE?  WHY AREN’T YOU EATING CHOCOLATE ALL DAY LONG?  WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU, LITTLE WIFE?”

And Big Man gave her a shove that sent her and her chair flying across the room into the remains of her meal, and she lay there in the messy puddle of healthy food with salty little tears running down her little face.  Little Wife did not look up at Big Man towering over her.  She knew this might really be the end of her now and she watched his big foot draw back to give her a giant kick in the stomach.  She began to retch and choke and gag on food stuck in her throat.  Her crying stopped and her breathing stopped and all was quiet and time stood still for those moments before Big Man kicked her so hard that her head smashed into the sharp edge of the wall.  Then everything went black and suppertime was over for Little Wife.

**********

Chaplain’s Note:  Needless to say, domestic abuse takes many forms.  All abuse is wrong.  It is sinful.  Coercive control of a wife is subtle and yet can cause severe emotional damage.  Verbal attacks and threats of violence are meant to frighten us.  And sometimes those threats turn very real and a woman is severely injured by her abusive husband.  But God is with us through all of these terrible acts of abuse.  Trust in His faithfulness.  Don’t be afraid of those who can kill the body but can’t touch your soul.  Please reach out for help if any of these stories are about you.

Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;

All day long an attacker oppresses me;

My enemies trample on me all day long,

For many attack me proudly.  

When I am afraid,

I put my trust in you

In God, whose word I praise,

In God I trust; I shall not be afraid.

What can flesh do to me?

Psalm 56:1-4

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“Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”  1st Timothy 4:12

For the third year in a row, FOCUS Ministries was blest to have an exhibit booth at the recent IGNITE Youth Leadership Conference in Oswego, IL.  What a JOY to witness more than 1000 students and their youth group leaders and parents celebrating God’s faithfulness and digging in deeper to know Him more.  

Some of the students who stopped by our table remembered us from previous years and were so happy to see us again.  Some of the youth were surprised to see an exhibit about healthy relationships amidst the usual sponsors for Christian colleges and Bible camps.  We felt welcome and enjoyed much traffic to our booth due to the location right next to the IGNITE merch store.

There are so many stories from the conference…

One young man stood at our table, looking at our brochures, stickers and booklets, realized that we are specialists in ministering to those who are hurting from domestic abuse and violence. He asked for prayer.  He said he has experienced abuse in his home and his family and NEVER EVER wants to treat his girlfriend like that.  We were so blest to pray for him right then and there.

There was another student with his friend and his youth group leader who looked at the material on our table and immediately pulled out his wallet and said, “I want to support this!”  He pulled all the quarters and change out of his wallet and handed it over to me!  When he saw my face and how moved I was by his generosity, he asked, “Can I pray for you?”  With tears welling up, I nodded yes.  He held both of my hands over the table and prayed earnestly and passionately for our ministry.  When he looked up from his prayer, he saw I had tears in my eyes and offered a hug! 

This kind of love has never happened at any conference I’ve attended in the past and I was so moved…I had to excuse myself and run to the bathroom for a private cry.

It was so wonderful to see familiar faces and meet new students and exhibitors, including Rob Roozeboom from RISE Ministries who was at the conference as a speaker and personally invited us to come to the music festival he’s organized each June for twenty years in Sheldon, Iowa.  His story is amazing, and I highly recommend his book, Broken Still Chosen.

We are so very thankful for the Lord’s provision which allows us to participate in this important conference to help teens recognize that they are precious in the eyes of the Lord and that He has wonderful plans for their lives.  We are thankful for your ongoing support of FOCUS Ministries as we reach out to the next generation of believers in Jesus the Messiah as they are even now being transformed into loving and faithful leaders for our churches.

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A very strange sensation came over Little Wife as she hung up the phone.  She felt a little taller.  She stood up a little straighter.  She smiled at the thought that she might be growing just a little bit.  The woman on the phone at FOCUS Ministries had been very kind, very understanding, very encouraging to Little Wife.  Although it had started out a little weird….

“Hello, my name is…I mean I need to talk to someone about my situation.  I’m Little Wife, well, I mean that’s what he calls me.  I am a little wife, but I used to be kind of bigger…so anyway, I’m kind of little and I’m his wife and it’s all weird and strange and I am very afraid of him and he might be listening right now so I should probably make this quick, but anyway…”

“Little Wife,” the kind woman said ever so gently.  “Can you speak up just a little bit?  I know you have to be quiet, but I can barely hear you whispering.”

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry, yes, I can speak a little louder, but he might come home and I just don’t want him to hear me because then he’ll ask me so many questions and will probably take my phone and then who knows….but yes, I got a book about domestic abuse.  There was a chapter that listed all the characteristics of an abuser, and it sounded so much like Big Man.  I mean, he is my husband and I love him, but I wonder if he is abusing me?  Do you think he might be abusing me?  He says he loves me and wants us to be together forever, but it’s just not feeling very good.  And I’m very afraid and sometimes I hide in the basement.”

“I can hear you a little better, Little Wife.  Are you in a safe place right now?”  The woman on the phone seemed genuinely concerned.

“Am I safe?  I never really know…maybe I am? But can you maybe help me?  He might walk in any minute.  I don’t know what to do?  What does your organization do to help women like me who are just so little and don’t know what to do about anything?”  Little Wife peeked through the curtain and saw that Big Man was indeed pulling into the driveway in his fast, loud sporty car.  Her heart began to pound fast.

“We offer support, counseling, and teach you more about domestic abuse and its effects on women and children.  We can help you get to a safe place. Would you like to…”

“Okay, thank you, good bye, have a nice day,” and Little Wife hung up the phone as Big Man walked through the door.  Even though he was glaring at her suspiciously, Little Wife stood as tall as she could and jammed her phone into her back pocket.  She took a deep breath.

“Big Man, I’m so glad you’re home already.  Can I make you some lunch?  How was your meeting?  Did they like your ideas?”  Little Wife moved towards the kitchen and reached for the fridge where she could get him a cold drink and sandwich makings for his lunch.

He blocked her from opening the refrigerator.

“Who were you talking to, Little Wife? Was it that friend I warned you about?  You know she just wants to upset you and throw cold water on our love fest.  You weren’t talking to her, were you?”  Big Man was staring at her and his face was getting red.  “You can talk to me about anything, Little Wife.  You don’t need those negative friends in your life.  I’m here for you always.”

“Thank you, Big Man,” Little Wife replied and gave him her sweetest smile.  “What would I do without you?”

After his lunch, Big Man went to their bedroom to lie down.  Little Wife quickly washed his lunch dishes and opened the very lowest cupboard door, reaching way to the back of the cupboard for the book she had been reading.  She turned to the page that listed the personality traits of an abusive husband.

“Red flags and warning signs of an abuser include, but are not limited to:

• Extreme jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Unpredictability
• A bad temper
• Cruelty to animals
• Verbal abuse
• Extremely controlling and manipulative behavior
• Antiquated beliefs about roles of women and men in relationships, i.e. Christian wives should always be submissive to their husbands
• Forced sex or disregard of their partner’s unwillingness to have sex
• Sabotage of birth control methods or refusal to honor agreed upon methods
• Blaming the victim for everything bad that happens
• Sabotage or obstruction of the victim’s ability to work or attend school
• Controls all the finances
• Abuse of other family members, children or pets
• Accusations of the victim flirting with others or having an affair
• Control of what the victim wears and how they act
• Demeaning the victim either privately or publicly
• Embarrassment or humiliation of the victim in front of others
• Harassment and/or stalking of the victim at work”

“Oh that sounds exactly like Big Man!  It’s almost like they know him,” and Little Wife took a deep breath and turned to the next chapter in her new book.  Now she would read about what kind of a woman the abuser is attracted to.  But first she listened carefully in case Big Man might be coming back to the kitchen for his cookies and milk.

• Low self-esteem
• Co-dependent (emotionally and financially)
• Blames herself for most troubles in life
• Socially isolated
• Submissive 
• Excessively tolerant
• Lacking motivation

“Well, yes, that sounds like me,” said Little Wife sadly.  But then she remembered the phone call with the very kind woman who sounded like she really cared.  Little Wife buried the book way in the back of the cupboard again and stood up, turning around just as Big Man walked into the kitchen for his afternoon snack.

“There’s my Little Wife,” he spoke with a suspicious tone of voice.  “You’re always so busy in the cupboard these days.  So much spring cleaning?  Maybe there’s something I can do to help you?”  And he opened the cupboard door, and with great effort he bent over to peek inside.

“Oh no, Big Man, I’m just fine and getting it all done a little at a time.” Little Wife worried that her shaking voice might give it all away, that he would discover the contraband book she kept hidden away in the cupboard.   “It’s such a nice afternoon, Big Man!  Would you like to take a walk around the block for some fresh air?”  She felt the desperation and panic rising up in her heart.

Big Man stood up and shook his big head.  “I can’t see a thing in that dark cupboard. Not today, Little Wife, I’m not in the mood for fresh air.  I think I’ll just go lie down a little longer.  I have so much to think about these days. My headache is back. It’s your fault for all these suspicious phone calls and conversations you’re having. Will you just carry my cookies and milk up the stairs for me? And then just leave me alone for a couple of hours. And don’t run the vacuum or the clothes dryer.  I need some peace and quiet for a change.”

Little Wife walked with him up the stairs, thinking all the time about her book and the phone call.  She set his cookies down on the nightstand, noting that Big Man wasn’t looking as big as he used to.  She straightened up, smiled her prettiest smile, took another deep breath and walked away. 

*****

Chaplain’s Note: It has often been said, If the Lord is for us, who can stand against us.  That is never more true than when we are experiencing domestic abuse.  Trust Him to help you get a little bigger, a little braver, a little wiser. 

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish.  You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all.  For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’    Isaiah 41:10-13

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Little Wife peeked quickly at her phone on the counter top as she prepared breakfast for Big Man.  There was a message from a friend who she was not supposed to have any contact with.  Big Man had warned her not to communicate with that friend or there would be serious consequences.

The message simply read, “Turn on Moody radio if you can.”

Little Wife deleted the message and turned on the radio to the morning show on WMBI.  She listened as they talked about a new book that had just come out by Moody Publishers.  It was titled, Is It My Fault?  Little Wife kept the radio volume very low in case Big Man was listening. She heard the host and guest describing characteristics of abusive Christian husbands.  She quickly turned the radio to a music station and finished Big Man’s breakfast preparations.  But she thought about that book and wondered if she should order it.

The birds were singing a merry Spring tune that morning as Little Wife opened her laptop and ordered that book.

Later in the week, she received a phone call from a long ago friend.  

“I haven’t heard from you for a while, Little Wife.  Are you alright?  I’ve been praying for you.”

Little Wife told her friend about the book she had ordered and how she was very nervous about reading it and hoping that Big Man would not find out about it.  Her friend said, “I knew something was wrong over there. That’s terrible and I’m sure very scary for you.  I’ll pray that you’ll be okay.  And by the way, have you ever heard of FOCUS Ministries?  They help women who are in abusive marriages.”

How did her friends know?  How could they see what she couldn’t see?  In her smallness, was she also blind and deaf to the reality she was living in, trapped in for so long?

Little Wife tried to call FOCUS Ministries later that day but hung up before they answered because she was afraid.

And then she learned about another organization called Family Shelter Services.  They offered classes geared to educating women about domestic abuse as well as counseling, court advocacy and emergency shelter for abused women.

Little Wife was beginning to wake up, like the crocuses and daffodils and tulips coming quietly out of the ground after a year of silence and a winter hibernation.  Her heart was opening to the unconditional love of her Heavenly Father, who sees and hears and never leaves us in our terrible times of fear and abuse.  It was His voice stirring her to rise up out of the dirt she had grown so accustomed to.  He whispered, “My beloved child. I love you.  It’s time to get up.”

*****

Chaplain’s Note:  Only God knows the right way to wake up a Little Wife.  He doesn’t use an alarm clock.  But at the perfect time, He does begin to speak to her heart and to her soul. Our Father tells her how precious and valuable she is and how much He loves her … and how much her abusive husband does NOT love her.  God uses people, circumstances, radio programs, music, books and His Word to wake us up to the tragedy we are living and that He has a much better plan for our lives.

My beloved speaks and says to me:  “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.  The fig tree ripens its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance.  Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.     Song of Solomon 2:10-13

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.    

Philippians 1:6

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Often women and especially young women will blame themselves for the abuse and violence that happened to them.  We are here to say “NO, it is not your fault at all.”  February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and FOCUS Ministries is committed to bringing awareness to the tragedy of teen violence.  In fact, we want to see it end today!  We have tools available at our website to help educate youth on how to have healthy relationships, how to enforce personal boundaries and how to know who YOU are in Christ.  Please visit our webstore for more information about “Time To Talk” and our Teen FOCUS Small Group Curriculum.  

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