February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. We’ve been talking about Red Flags and Green Flags for the past couple of weeks. Today I would like to share with everyone some excerpts from our booklet “Time To Talk” which is a jumpstart tool for teens, parents or youth groups. This booklet allows conversation to happen around the topic of Healthy Relationships. Here’s a small sample of the topics we are helping the youth/students work through…
Let’s Talk About the Cycle of Abuse
Dating violence and abuse is a pattern of repeated behavior that comes in predictable waves or phases:
Phase 1 – Your friend or partner becomes more irritable and frustrated day after day. You may find yourself “walking on eggshells” to keep them from getting upset. Of course, nothing you do will change the course of the abuse. They may accuse you of flirting with others or spending too much time with your friends or family, but in reality, these are just excuses for their irritation.
Phase 2 – Look out for an explosion! This is when the physical abuse happens, and is a very dangerous place to be. They might be very aggressive, verbally or sexually. They may threaten to harm you or your family.
Phase 3 – This is also known as the “love-bombing” or “honeymoon” phase of the cycle where you might receive flowers, gifts, romantic notes and lots of apologies and promises that it will never happen again. They might beg you for another chance and tell you that they didn’t mean to hurt you.
But Why Do They Act That Way?
*Power and Control – This is the underlying cause of all dating violence and abuse. Your friend or partner has a need to be completely in charge of you, to control everything about you. They are taught to look out for number one (themselves) and to be the alpha in the relationship. They have a need to manipulate and to make themselves appear bigger and better than they really are.
*Background of Abuse in the Family – Oftentimes an abusive person grows up thinking that’s just how life works. Maybe their parents or grandparents are abusive in the home. Your friend/partner may have learned to blame others for causing their problems and to use violence to gain control over other people.
*Insecurity – Fear of being abandoned or losing control causes people to become violent when they think their girlfriend or boyfriend is losing interest or thinking of breaking up. They don’t know how to communicate their feelings, so they act out of fear and anger.
Here’s the Trouble
Relationships are supposed to be fun and fulfilling and full of love. That was God’s original plan. First with our family and our friends, then as romantic dating partners and then as married people, we were originally meant to be kind and loving and patient and full of grace and mercy towards the people in our lives.
God created Adam and then gave Eve to him as a companion because it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. Eve was Adam’s first and best friend in God’s new and perfect creation. He meant for them to enjoy each other’s company and be helpful to each other. Adam’s job was to tend and keep the Garden of Eden – I believe that Eve was a great helper for that work. I believe they had great love for each other and also for God as they tended to and watched over the Garden. They even walked with God in the Garden in the cool of the evening. It was a perfect relationship! They had each other and they had fellowship with God.
And then Trouble with a capital T slithered into their perfect Garden world. These “watchers” of the Garden should have been on guard for that intruder. Eve and Adam listened to Satan disguised as a talking serpent. He tempted them and caused them to distrust God. He tempted them to believe lies instead of the truth that God loved them. They fell….hook, line and sinker. Like fish caught on the devil’s fishing pole, they took the bait and ate the forbidden fruit.
It was a terrible sin. They tried to hide from God. They felt ashamed of their nakedness. And when God called them out and asked them what they had done, Adam blamed Eve instead of taking responsibility for his actions. Eve blamed the serpent instead of repenting of her sin. Trust between Adam and Eve was broken at that point. They were no longer pure in heart. Their relationship was now full of guilt and shame and Trouble.
Sadly, their disobedience and Trouble in the Garden has been handed down to us from that very beginning of time. Now we are all in Trouble with our relationships. Each of us is born with a sin nature – we are self-absorbed and self-consumed and self-protecting. We are lovers of ourselves instead of loving God with all of our hearts and loving our neighbors and friends and family as ourselves.
One of the biggest Troubles with relationships is abuse. Abuse is a sin. Instead of kindness and respect, abuse is about power and control. Abuse can be physical violence against another person or it can be the deeply painful hurt of being told we are no good, that it’s all our fault, that we are worthless or that God doesn’t love us.
Abuse can be sexual or psychological, spiritual or financial, overt or covert, but it will always be a repeated pattern of one person trying to control another person, intimidating another person, bullying, scaring or threatening another person and exerting power over another person.
Just as Adam and Eve had a very red flag (a TALKING serpent!) in the Garden of Eden, you also need to be aware of the early danger signs that Trouble might be lurking and looming. Please consider these red flags when beginning a new relationship: possessiveness, extreme jealousy, unusually quick involvement with love bombing, controlling behaviors, prideful nature, lack of responsibility, critical attitude, low self-esteem, unforgiveness, mood swings, explosive anger or alcohol/drug use.
When sin entered the world through the disobedience of Adam and Eve, abuse entered relationships right alongside sin. Of course, not every relationship is messed up with abuse. But there is definitely a terrible upswing of abuse today. It is important to recognize the many ways that abuse can happen in relationships.
Remember, if you have a sneaking suspicion that you are being abused, you probably are. That is God’s way of helping you to recognize abuse in a relationship. God does not condone abuse or oppression. He hates oppression and abuse. God wants you to be free and safe.
“Time To Talk” is available at our website for a $5.00 donation. You will be blessed to have this tool in your hands — teens want to talk about healthy relationships, but they just don’t know quite how to start talking. You can help them today. God bless you.
