Painfully Alone

My 4 year old cries and cries and tells me to call someone to take us away because Daddy’s being mean again. He doesn’t hurt anybody physically but can make an otherwise wonderful day turn into a nightmare in a matter of seconds. He has an uncontrolled temper……always has. I’ve been married for 23 years and raised 2 other children in that atmosphere. I know how he is and he has never changed. I’ve tried…..from my heart and as God is my witness, I have tried to talk and make things better. I only make things worse. He never sees that anything is a bad thing. I am wanting control of my life so I can be a good mother to my girls. I am out of control at times in tears and pain beyond what I can tell you in this e-mail. I can’t help this alone. I don’t know what to do anymore. I use to talk to my Mom, who felt I should stay in the relationship because my husband is so good to us. She heard the stories but never really believed. She helped me learn to cope and know that there are better days, however. My mom passed away recently.

Before my Mom died, many times she’d say of my situation that it will pass on and something else will come up. She’d explain that life always goes on and it’s how we handle things now that will give the instant and also long term results. My mom’s life was much like mine is. My dad mentally abused her as well as his children. When we became adults and moved out on our own, we watched in extreme pain as my mom continued to take the horrible words that dad would say to her. I love her so much and she was a wonderful person. If only she’d been permitted to talk, she had so much positive to say. She never felt that she was important enough to speak and felt that keeping quiet was the best way to keep the peace. When she did flare up at dad (yes, she could get fed up), he’d knock her words down with the most degrading comments. We’d often leave upset and sometimes in tears as my mom would reside to sitting in her chair staring knowing that if she uttered a word, it would cause more pain.
Painfully alone

Dear Painfully alone,
The emotional pain you are feeling is causing despair and depression. From your description, it looks like you and your children are the only ones in the family that are suffering pain. The pain is coming from someone else’s sin. In Galatians 6:7, it states “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked, a man reaps what he sows.” Unfortunately you are repeating what your husband is sowing.

My fear for you is that you will take the position that your mom took and “reside to sitting in your chair staring knowing that if you uttered a word, it would cause more pain.” My question to you is, “Is your husband feeling any pain from his actions and words toward you and the children?” What are the children learning from this environment? Boundaries need to be set and truth told with love and grace.

Speaking truth probably will cause pain/hurt for someone else but not harm them. If we have a physical pain, don’t we seek out help to address that pain and find solutions so that the pain will go away? If there is something wrong within us and we never feel pain, we will probably die. Pain is an indication that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Creating an environment that will bring the sinful person to the point of pain is not an easy task, but necessary. Unless your husband feels pain for his actions, there is little hope that he will change.

God does not expect us to just settle when there are options for us. He has told us to be a good steward of the life he has given us. Just sitting and doing nothing to avoid pain actually does bring more pain of hopelessness. Pain will exist whether we act or not, but taking action by setting boundaries can bring an end to the pain. We are here to walk this hard journey with you. You are not alone!

FOCUS Ministries

2 Comments on “Painfully Alone

  1. Dear Painfully Alone;
    I was married 30 yrs – My husband was a Pastor. My children & I suffered as you are suffering. I wish I’d gotten out SO Much Sooner! I can actually sit in peace now in my own home & read a book, talk on the phone, etc. Having the support of friends who understand completely was essential for me, and even more crucial in my situation was to find that group of friends to be ones who my husband Does Not Know since he manipulates my friendships in complicated manipulative ways. I’d love to be your friend on Facebook, if you’d like to search for me, I live in Washington State. I’ve found most of my support through Focus Ministries & through online support groups. I Will Pray for You! You Can Do This – You Can Make A Better Life For Yourself & Your Children! -Laurie 🙂

  2. Dear Painfully Alone,
    I am praying for you. You are to know that you are not alone in your struggles, but if you do not change the spirit of your mind you will pass on this fear and lack of self-confidence to your children as you have received. Isn’t it ironic that you married the same type of man that your mother married. Did you ever think about how, or why? I know your pain because I was in the same type situation the first husband was emotionally abusive, and the second was physically abusive. I didn’t have a change of heart the spirit of my mind had not been changed and I married the same type person. But after much pain and abuse, (I thought I could change him) with the help of our Lord Jesus Christ I was shown that I had to change the spirit of my mind from God’s perspective. I had to learn from the Word of God who I was in Him, I had to build myself up on the Word of God. You see, you can’t change your abuser, only God can change people. But with your mind changed by the Word of God working actively in you you can change your own situation and go on to live an abundantly life in Christ Jesus. Try as we may to change, it is only the Word of God that changes us. You see we must do the word of God and live the Word of God and not just talk about it. For the Word of God is alive and powerful and able to change us and our situation if we would allow Him to work in our lives. For with Christ all things are possible… The Lord Jesus has given me a ministry born out of my trials to help others to be renewed in their minds by biblical principles and to overcome domestic violence in their lives, thus stopping generational abuse. You are welcome to contact me at my email. May the Lord bless you as you seek to be educated in His ways.

    Renewal Center for Battered Women
    Life Coaching and Support Services, LLC

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