My 4 year old cries and cries and tells me to call someone to take us away because Daddy’s being mean again. He doesn’t hurt anybody physically but can make an otherwise wonderful day turn into a nightmare in a matter of seconds. He has an uncontrolled temper……always has. I’ve been married for 23 years and raised 2 other children in that atmosphere. I know how he is and he has never changed. I’ve tried…..from my heart and as God is my witness, I have tried to talk and make things better. I only make things worse. He never sees that anything is a bad thing. I am wanting control of my life so I can be a good mother to my girls. I am out of control at times in tears and pain beyond what I can tell you in this e-mail. I can’t help this alone. I don’t know what to do anymore. I use to talk to my Mom, who felt I should stay in the relationship because my husband is so good to us. She heard the stories but never really believed. She helped me learn to cope and know that there are better days, however. My mom passed away recently.
Before my Mom died, many times she’d say of my situation that it will pass on and something else will come up. She’d explain that life always goes on and it’s how we handle things now that will give the instant and also long term results. My mom’s life was much like mine is. My dad mentally abused her as well as his children. When we became adults and moved out on our own, we watched in extreme pain as my mom continued to take the horrible words that dad would say to her. I love her so much and she was a wonderful person. If only she’d been permitted to talk, she had so much positive to say. She never felt that she was important enough to speak and felt that keeping quiet was the best way to keep the peace. When she did flare up at dad (yes, she could get fed up), he’d knock her words down with the most degrading comments. We’d often leave upset and sometimes in tears as my mom would reside to sitting in her chair staring knowing that if she uttered a word, it would cause more pain.
Dear Painfully alone,
The emotional pain you are feeling is causing despair and depression. From your description, it looks like you and your children are the only ones in the family that are suffering pain. The pain is coming from someone else’s sin. In Galatians 6:7, it states “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked, a man reaps what he sows.” Unfortunately you are repeating what your husband is sowing.
My fear for you is that you will take the position that your mom took and “reside to sitting in your chair staring knowing that if you uttered a word, it would cause more pain.” My question to you is, “Is your husband feeling any pain from his actions and words toward you and the children?” What are the children learning from this environment? Boundaries need to be set and truth told with love and grace.
Speaking truth probably will cause pain/hurt for someone else but not harm them. If we have a physical pain, don’t we seek out help to address that pain and find solutions so that the pain will go away? If there is something wrong within us and we never feel pain, we will probably die. Pain is an indication that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Creating an environment that will bring the sinful person to the point of pain is not an easy task, but necessary. Unless your husband feels pain for his actions, there is little hope that he will change.
God does not expect us to just settle when there are options for us. He has told us to be a good steward of the life he has given us. Just sitting and doing nothing to avoid pain actually does bring more pain of hopelessness. Pain will exist whether we act or not, but taking action by setting boundaries can bring an end to the pain. We are here to walk this hard journey with you. You are not alone!