My problem is that, it’s one thing to work at recovering from the years of abuse, but another to see people that look as though they hate me. I want to explain to all of them that I was abused, not anyone else. I have been researching the deprogramming (there’s a new word for it, but I can’t think of it at the moment) of an ex cult member. It seemed logical that if I was indoctrinated into a life of lies, that I could use the deprogramming methods to come back to a reality of myself. I have had “waves” of feeling like me. They pass so quickly, but at least they have started.
Though it’s been years, it still hurts when I see people be mean to me. I read my Bible for an hour a day and pray for at least an hour, maybe two, to get thru the day. I live a pretty isolated life myself and feel weak when I’m alone. My husband is a very strong personality and most people really like him. When I’m with him, I feel a lot stronger. He doesn’t seem to understand why it’s taking so long for me to heal. I’ve thought of moving to a new area completely (& sometimes pray God moves us), so that I don’t have to see people that hate me, but have read that that is just running. I read my Bible and know that God truly loves me, but when I get around the judgmental people I could cry.
It sounds like you are dealing with many issues in your life. Some are from the past that are affecting the present. Knowing who you are in Christ will replace the lies that have been told about you, lies you believe about yourself, and the labels you carry. I would suggest doing the Bible study called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. Your life has been wallpapered with lies. The only way to replace the lies is with God’s Word in Scripture. Another book that would be helpful is Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge.
I would also suggest you take a sheet of paper and make two columns. On the left side write the lies and on the right side write scripture that counters that lie. Here are some scriptures to get you started.
Zech. 9:16-17 – “The Lord their God will save them on that day as the flock of his people. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown. How attractive and beautiful they will be!”
Psalm 45:11 – “The King is enthralled by your beauty!
Jeremiah 31:3-4 (NLT) – “I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. I will rebuild you…you will be happy again.”
Zephaniah 3:16-17 (NLT) – “Cheer up…don’t be afraid! For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song!”
Psalm 139:13-16 – “For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Only God’s Word can replace those lies. In the very beginning of creation, all of us were made in the image of God. God made us to be in relationship with him and others. We are not to live life alone. Even Christ when he was here on earth had close relationships. He didn’t do his ministry alone. As you replace the lies with scripture, start with one woman and begin to build a relationship. The isolation will disappear as you take the risk for others to know you. There are those out there who will care. We do.