Dear Victim — Survivor –Thriver
You may feel as though you are trapped permanently in your abusive relationship; like there is no way out. Living in an abusive relationship is miserable and leaves you feeling hopeless. Sometimes you are paralyzed inside of the fear. Your outlook isn’t very uplifting or appealing and all you can think about are the eggshells you walk on daily and if you are going to say or do something that will wreak havoc. Even though you did nothing wrong, are not the reason for the ranting and raving, and why the choice/decision to abuse you is not your fault, your instinctive default is to blame yourself. “I must have done something to make ___________ mad.” “I shouldn’t have provoked _________.” Let’s face it, you live with a tyrant, whom you love, but at the same time, you are not sure if you love this person. It’s confusing mentally and emotionally. All you know is that you are miserable and trying to make it through the day. Here’s an option for you while you’re trying to figure out what you are going to do.
Shake it Off and Take a Step Up
One day a farmer’s donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so, it just wasn’t worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls later, he quieted down completely.
The farmer peered down into the well and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
I’ve been where you are…many times. People don’t understand why you are still with the person who brings you such misery. Truth be told, you may even wonder that same thing. Have you ever heard of trauma bonding? It is a part of the cycle of abuse. Maybe you grew up witnessing abusive relationships and it’s what you subconsciously gravitate to. Maybe you want to believe so badly that your abuser will change that you continue to hope. Maybe we are so unaware of our own needs that we neglect to “feel” for ourselves. You’ve probably heard, “If I were you, I wouldn’t take that.” People who are not in abusive relationships can say that because they’ve never walked in your shoes. They don’t have a clue.
Sense domestic violence is about power and control I’m going to try to help you get your power back and take control of your life. It’s better to make your decisions from a place of strength instead of abject fear. That bears repeating: It’s better to make your decisions from a place of strength instead of abject fear. Teach yourself how to identify the situations in which you are letting fear control you. And yes, it’s a lot easier said than done. It requires brutal honesty and self-transparency. It means you really have to open up and allow yourself to get a glimpse of your inner scaredy cat.”
You might try…
♥ Take one hour at a time. Just like the donkey in the story above, he shook the dirt off a little bit at a time and stood on it. Don’t look too far into the future. You can take baby steps, just like when you first learned how to walk. You took a step, wobbled, fell, then got back up. When you see that you’ve made it through hour number one, you get a wee bit stronger. When you see that you made it through hour number two, whatever that hour contains, picture yourself getting stronger. Just like the GPS on your device or in your vehicle, you only get enough direction to get you to the next turn in the road. Incidentally it works that way with the other God’s Powerful Spirit. But at all costs avoid the Great Prowling Schemer (Satan)
♥ Get clear. You can only change yourself. What you have in this relationship is not love. Love is the absolute opposite of what you are currently experiencing. You don’t “need” this person. The abuse you are experiencing far outweighs the few good times you’ve shared. You can hope for the best for this person…at a distance and where you are safe. You are not incompetent or whatever other negative words your abuser uses against you to control you.
♥ This may be difficult while you are living in a seemingly permanent situation, but there is “something” that you can be grateful for. Find whatever that is and laser focus on it. If you can only find one thing, repeat that to yourself. God has many promises in the Bible. Learn them so well that you recite them in the midst of upheaval. Can you remember a time of peace you’ve had? Focus on that. Kiddos napping—relish that time of peace. Watch silly cat videos or anything that makes you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt. You’ll find more. What we’re aiming for here is to change your perspective so that your strength can be renewed, and you can mount up with wings as eagles.
♥ Realize that you will never get “it” (dinner, laundry, sex) exactly the way the abuser wants, because his/her wants always change. You can’t hit a moving target.
A change must occur in order for change to occur.
Dear one: You deserve to experience what Jesus Christ came for, and that is to have an abundant life. Let’s not make his death for naught.
*****Write down one thing you are going to change. Just one…and stick to it. Then build upon it, just like the donkey did in the beginning of this post.
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