When the abuser dies, what do we feel? What are we supposed to feel? Is there a right answer? Is there more than one answer? Does God have any answers? Is it a time for grief or is it a time for relief that the abuse is over? Can we feel both at the same time?
A friend’s abusive husband recently passed away. Although she experienced severe verbal and emotional abuse, and was manipulated and berated for so many years, she feels sad today. She feels an emptiness in the house in the morning when her first thought is: which room is he in? It’s a habit she developed long ago, part of survival mode.
If she has a question when she’s out of the house, her first thought is to call him. She started doing that long ago because of his need to control all of the decisions.
She eats alone now. Cooking is not as important now as it was when he was critical of every meal she prepared.
She misses his hugs. It was part of making up after a terribly abusive attack on her self-worth. She separated from him for a while, hoping that her absence would change his way of thinking and that he would allow God to change his heart. That didn’t happen, but she felt sorry for him and moved back home. Now she feels guilty for all the times that she wished he would just die.
And sometimes she feels relieved that she doesn’t have to listen to his yelling anymore. But she wishes she could hear his “nice” voice just one more time.
She is transitioning into her “new normal” which is different for every woman who has lost an abusive spouse, whether to death or divorce. This woman in particular is diving and dancing into her “new normal” – literally sky-diving with her grown children and square-dancing with new friends.
But for most, it is a very difficult time. There is grief and relief all mixed together. And should we tell the children just how bad it was when he was alive? Or did they already know? And do they need to know, now that he is gone?
We will explore this topic in the next few weeks. What are your thoughts about grief when an abuser passes away?
Wow. This article reaches down to my soul. After years of abuse, I know my children saw but seem not to care for my need to escape and disassociate from the past. Abusers are mind controllers and manipulators making you believe it’s you that’s crazy. This article confirms to me that what they do is known and now hopefully brought into the light for others to know. I’ve questioned God. Why doesn’t he bring them forth for others to see the truth? Why do us that suffer be hidden and viewed as crazy?
I am thankful for Focus. After 20 difficult married years, my husband & I divorced. He died about 18 yrs later. One adult child only remembers the fun times with dad, celebrating his birthday still each year and appears to have forgotten the difficulties. The other child had a really hard time as they never reconciled and because his dad had belittled his wife. I was in one of the first face to face Focus classes (thank you) and years later, because I knew I had more healing & understanding to do, I took Leslie Vernick’s online class which helped me let go of more pain & and to understand better how things went so wrong and the roles I did and didn’t play. I still grieve sometimes about the whole mess: the loss of the dream of what might have been different about our lives and the lives of our children. That period gave me both scars and strength and shaped who I am today. God has brought healing, joy, and a lovely, healthy love into my life. There is hope.
Was blessed in past from FOCUS. I can truly relate to this article. Went back to hub after he was given 6 mths live. Felt God desired me to help; was still wife. Yet God gave him extra 16 years. Last 2 years of marriage was quite good; know he got closer to God. He died 10/23. I have not cried yet; after abuse in past. Why? I truly miss the past 2 years; yet know he is no longer in pain. Such emotions even tho was abusive relationship. Praying for all dealing with this!
It was complex grief and complex relief when my abuser died – and every day since (for 12 years). Thank you for acknowledging the complexity. This means so much to me.
Dear Ashley, we are so grateful that you no longer have to live with abuse. We know and understand that the pain can go on and on. Sometimes we need to learn new ways to think and even learn how to have healthy relationships. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you. Remember our counseling is available to you at no cost, due to the great generosity of our donors. God bless you and we will be praying for all comfort and healing and hope.
Dear Paula, thank you for your kind comment and please accept our most sincere condolences for your husband’s passing. I’m blessed to hear that he did draw near to the Lord towards the end. That is ALWAYS our hope — as long as there is breath, the Lord Jesus can speak to them of His great love and forgiveness and mercy. God bless you and please let us know how we can help.
Dear Nancy, praise God for all the healing He has brought to you after all the pain and misery. Isn’t He so kind and faithful? Thank you so much for checking in with us…God bless you.
Dear Teresa, those are VALID questions! I’m thankful that Jesus hears our heart’s cry and understands our deepest pain. He sees, and He hears and He makes a way for healing to happen. I pray that someday your children will actually applaud your courage to escape from the abuse…it is not easy to leave. In the meantime, we will be praying for the Lord to reveal His purposes for the pain…nothing goes to waste. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help…our counseling services are available free of charge due to the kindness of our donors. God bless you!