Mika realized that she was traveling down a road she did not want to be on. She had spent many years trying hard to fix a relationship that was toxic to her. Her longings for the dream of a happy, loving family had slipped away while leading her deeper into the oppression she felt. She was losing her sanity and herself.
She had no access to money as the financial status was kept from her. Money was doweled out to her when he decided. The house and cars were titled solely in his name. Over the years, his harsh words and actions created a prison within her home.
Now she felt God was directing her to distance herself from the relationship. She was scared of the unknown that lay ahead. Would God be there as she made this hard choice? She was familiar with the prison.
Slowly as God led her she took steps of faith that God would provide a way. The church she attended offered her a place to stay in someone’s basement where she would not have to pay rent or utilities. It was so different from her four bedroom home, but at least she was safe.
She spent her days looking for a job and discovering local resources that could provide for her needs. Just daily living became a drudgery placing one foot in front of the other.
There were moments though in the midst of despair when someone would say a kind word and give money anonymously as well as groceries. Somehow the groceries would last longer than she thought.
Each day she would retreat back to her small place where it appeared that no one cared whether she lived or died. Loneliness became her constant companion.
As the weather grew colder, she tried to stay warm in the damp basement. She reminisced about the home she left with it’s beautiful decor. “Why is he permitted to live in the home and I am stuck in this one room place?”, she asked God.
Nestled in the warmth of her bed, she drifted off to sleep longing to go home. Close beside her was a kitten someone gave her to keep her company.
As she arose the next day, she received a phone call regarding her job application. The interview was scheduled for later on that day. Excited yet apprehensive, she went for the interview. As she walked out of the interview, she pondered all the things she should have said.
To her surprise, a week later Mika was offered the job. It did not pay much, but it was a beginning of earning some money. She was grateful. The job consisted of long days, not much training, and one criticism after another. As weeks turned into months, The routine settled in. Although it was good to have money coming in to meet the bills, she still felt she deserved better. Her mind floated back to her past of living in her own home. Once again she longed to go back into the relationship and her home. Mika began to dream of this loving family. She had forgotten how oppressive and abusive the relationship was. She would rationalize and dismiss the offenses and claim that it was not that bad. She would spend time questioning her own perceptions of what once was. It became a constant battle between the dream and reality.
She noticed over time her friends had stopped calling. She felt disconnected from family, friends, and her church. She felt stuck. She began entertaining thoughts of going back into the relationship. Maybe this time things would work out for there was still a spark of love.
As weeks turned into months, she found herself with a growing anger inside. The anger was not towards her husband, but it was toward God. Questions and statements formed in her mind.
- Why didn’t you fix my marriage?
- Why am I being punished for what he did?
- Make him suffer as much as I am suffering.
- Where is the justice?
- Why God did you stick me in this cold, damp place?
- Why don’t you bless me God with . . .?
- Do you still love and care about me, God?
- Have you abandoned me also, God?
- Why didn’t you change him?
- I have so little and he has so much!
- Why does life had to be so hard?
- Where are you, God?
Freedom from oppression does not always mean that life will be without its difficulties. The Israelites experienced that as they fled from the Egyptian oppression. Yet in the midst of all the hardships, God was there.
God provided
- A way for Pharaoh to release them
- Safety with the Angel of the Lord
- Direction as they followed the cloud by day and fire by night
- The parting of the Red Sea
- The destruction of the Egyptians who were pursuing them
- Their daily food and water while in the desert
- The promise of entering the Promise Land
Over time the Israelites began complaining about the food that God provided daily and their nomadic living. They longed to return to Egypt. The oppression there was at least familiar, but the future now was unknown and uncertain. Probably in their minds they minimized the slavery they were under plus the cruelty they experienced. They had fantasized the reality of what was.
It is not uncommon for a woman coming out of a toxic relationship to be hit head on with hurdles she needs to overcome. On top of her emotional pain, she is confronted with challenges she had not experienced before.
Her utopia of how it will be minus the destructive relationship is shattered by the hardships she faces so much so she misses the evidences of God’s faithfulness to her and her children. These evidences may appear small, but it is proof that God has not abandoned her.
Her mind plays tricks on her as she begins to minimize her experiences in her toxic relationship. Sometimes hardships win out over the reality of what once was and returns to the relationship discovering the toxicity is twice as bad as before. She then finds it more difficult to leave as the entrapment engulfs her. Keeping oneself in reality, remembering what God has done and continues to do, and not being taken in by the abuser’s manipulation has to be an ongoing process. During this process, it is a great opportunity to draw closer to God relying on him instead of the abuser. This becomes the beginning of the healing journey.
