Overwhelmed By Fear

I am struggling. I go to counseling, read books, take bible studies, seek guidance, etc . I’ve been told many times by Christian counselors that it will take a miracle from God for my batterer to ever be any different.

I’ve been told that he has narcissistic personality disorder and is an anger addict. I separated from him twice. I even divorced him last summer. The cops had to remove him from our home this past fall. My situation is textbook. He’s back living in the home with me and the kids. He is of gifted intelligence, extremely manipulative and is a very successful charmer and con artist.

I’m a total wreck. I live in fear—not so much physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. He is like a heavy, dark spirit that keeps me bound. I’m weakened to the point that many times when he’s raging I wish he would just “get it over with” and be done with me. I can’t move. I just want to hide under the covers all day long. I can breathe only when he’s not around.

I am totally trapped and see no light at the end of the tunnel. Each day my hope is that Jesus will come back this day. . .
Fearful One

Answer:

I hear and see your struggles, but I have good news. You don’t have to remain paralyzed. There are some options, but you have to be willing to do them and know that you do not deserve to live like this. Christ healed the crippled man in the Bible, but the man had to get up and walk as Jesus commanded. Jesus did not force the man to get up. The man had to act on Jesus’ words. You can get up and walk. Don’t believe the lies that you can’t. God will give you the strength, but you need to take action.

There are some options that you can consider for stepping out of this entrapment , but you need someone to walk this journey with you. You cannot do this alone. Look at one step at a time.

1. Contact the police or the lawyer to get your ex-husband out of the house. Then you should
change the locks.

2. If you have to, get an Order of Protection.

3. You can move. If you own your home, call a realtor to find out what it is worth and start planning
on selling and looking for another place.

4. If he has visitation rights, meet him at a neutral place like Mc Donalds to exchange the children. He
does not need to come to your home. See if someone would be willing to accompany you.

5. Make a list of what experiences you have had with him. Once he is out of the house and you feel
like you are going to cave into him again, pull out the list and remind yourself of the reality of living
with him and call a friend that will tell you not to do it.

6. Begin to think of what you can add to this list. You know your situation better than anyone.

You are a daughter of the King—His Princess. I will pray that God will reveal that more and more to you. You deserve to live in joy with Him now not waiting for Jesus to come back. God loves you and grieves over your situation. You are not alone, and you don’t have to remain trapped.

6 comments on “Overwhelmed By Fear
  1. Sue says:

    I can relate to the woman. A man who is charming and manipulative can “con” anyone – even pastors, counselors or leaders that he is supposed to be accountable to. After 18 years of marriage, I left my husband as I saw that what his destructive ways were doing to my children and myself. Living paralyzed by fear is no way to live. Pastors who tell me not to fear don’t understand what it is like to be living with someone like that.

    A controlled separation doesn’t work because while I am working on my issues, he lies and tells the pastor that I am acting out of anger and resentment. Then he says that he is praying and changing, while subtly trying to coerce or intimidate me. Whatever I say or do gets twisted.

    It is my experience that all through our marriage, he has been able to manipulate every single pastor or counselor we have been to. Almost every single one – thank God that those who stayed with us saw what he was like and was concerned enough to urge separation. They are cautious about reconciliation. Meanwhile, every other pastor and counselor believes his lies, even to the point of believing I am the cause of the problem, which is what he wants people to believe. But I know whom I have to please – God Almighty, who has delivered me and can give me the strength to conquer this huge mountain.

  2. Laurie Hagen McConkey says:

    Sue; I”m so sorry for your struggles. You’re not alone – my husband is the master of lies & manipulation & he is a Pastor himself! He has conned most everyone in our lives into believing that I’m crazy & made up the allegations of domestic violence. Now I’m being punished for bringing it all out into the light; his violence has now all turned into a very twisted deception which is now financial, spiritual, psychological & social abuse. There is definitely so much proof, so much evidence – it’s amazing to me that so many church leaders defend and help him to destroy his family, and so many “christian” organizations are doing the same with my husband as well. It’s an epidemic … the abusive man and his allies are much more powerful than the abusive man alone. I’m sorry you’re having to experience this too.

  3. Vivian says:

    Aloha,
    I am so happy right now, forgive me but to know that there are other women who know what I am going through and that I am not alone.
    My husband is very charming, manipultive, abusive physically, mentally, verbally, spiritually emotionally abusive to me.
    Whats worse he say I am the abuser cause I have lashed out fought back deppressed I litterly did not want to wake up in the morning. He is a dark cloud that hangs over me.
    He insist I have BPD because a theropist(I never meet or spoke too) told him he was living with one and thats why you abuse her. The doctor gave him an excuse for his behavior, now I am constantly being told I have BPD and blamed for all the abuse.
    I have finally moved out and by Gods Grace they let me rent without a job. I am now seeking employment to support me and my children.
    I asked help from my church only for the pastor to pass the buck to my husband and of course he gave me hell for it and insist I pay him back. Then my pastor stated he is removing himself from our “deep seeded” problem. We must pray and fast an read psalms and proverbs. Totally hurtful by my pastors decission.
    He will never admit his sin of abuse. An take full responsiablity for his destructive behavior. All he says is I am the one who destroyed this marriage and firmly believes. He uses the bible to justify his actions and says that I am destorying God plans for this marriage and I am fighting God by not going back to him.
    I finally relized it a losing battle and to let go of this marraige.
    I know I can make it with that Grace from My Lord and savior Jesus Christ!

  4. michelle says:

    Oh I am so sad to hear other situations almost identical to mine. I am absolutely devastated that I have not been able. To bring my children to safety with me. Now I am being forced to leave the country and know I will probably never return because he has made it impossible. I so wish there was more help out there but it seems that other than giving you a bag of rice and beans and locking you into a shelter (if you have the wounds to show) it still remains utterly useless for women in this situation. There is no way out really. My church has also side with my husband and given him very generous support, and gave me $100 and ‘hope it all turns out’ and come for counsel if you want to ‘share your feelings’.

  5. Becky Rivera says:

    Your situations sounds so much like mine. I would feel so guilty that I actually felt relieved when my husband wasn’t home. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in or what I might say or do wrong to make him upset. God has been so good to me though. My oldest son told my pastor and my pastor helped me get a restraining order against my husband, but my lawyer convinced me to dismiss because of a lack of evidence. My husband’s abuse is mostly emotional mind games and total control, but he would sit at his desk, watch tv, or even sleep with his pistol loaded next to him nearly every night. My husband told the county investigator that he did not want the weapons back in our home right away because of the situation with his wife, and so he lost them for good because the investigator took this as a threat against my life. And, currently, my husband is getting his revenge. He lied to the police and has a restraining order and criminal assault charge against me. I weigh 115 pounds and I never shoved him or cursed at him as he asserts. I am a public school teacher and so I might lose my job because of this, but my lawyer says that my case is so strong. Teachers at my school laugh, because they have never heard me curse and can’t imagine a man being afraid of little wimpy me. He is trying to make the judge believe I am crazy, but my lawyer says that he has nothing on me. My husband told me that he will take the kids and keep them from me forever because he believes I will harm them. My pastor though, wow! He is so supportive. As we are currently getting a divorce, my husband called my pastor and asked to meet with him to discuss why my pastor would encourage me to leave him. This has happened twice now, because Pastor Frank tells him that he wants to only talk to him with my husband’s current pastor present. When my pastor calls to schedule the meeting with my husband and the other pastor, he tells the other pastor the situation that my husband has neglected to tell, about the abuse of the kids and me and weapons. And now my husband is visiting his third church because the other pastor’s know the truth of his abuse. I am scared because I never know what he is going to do, but I just keep quoting Isaiah 54:17. No weapon can be used against me. I can’t wait for this storm to be over, but I think even after the divorce he will threaten me. He doesn’t ever lose, in his mind, and so if I win anything that he wants like partial custody of the kids, he will continue to use any weapon he can against me. My pastor is encouraging me to pray for full custody, and I have felt guilty about this, but really do I want the kids to be with him, under his control and manipulation even part of the time? It is all so confusing. And I just want to do what is right.

  6. Tina says:

    Go for full custody. God gave you those children and you have a right to defend them even against the what ifs. I am driven by fear in my decisions and I am also battling the system. I do have a supportive church and one pastor who really gets it. The sheriff’s dept. decided to let my husband leave two guns at a friend’s house as long as he doesn’t have access. What is that? So I will be praying and thinking and then hopefully reforming our system. My order of protection was clear all guns to be surrendered. Never feel guilty about standing up and fighting for your safty and peace in your home. Keep praying so you know when its God leading you. Stay safe.

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