Relationships are supposed to be fun and fulfilling and full of love. That was God’s original plan. First with our family and our friends, then as romantic dating partners and then as married people, we were originally meant to be kind and loving and patient and full of grace and mercy towards the people in our lives.
God created Adam and then gave Eve to him as a companion because it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. Eve was Adam’s first and best friend in God’s new and perfect creation. He meant for them to enjoy each other’s company and be helpful to each other. Adam’s job was to tend and keep the Garden of Eden – I believe that Eve was a valuable helper for that work. The original Hebrew word for “keep” is shamar which means to guard or keep watch. They were watchmen together! I believe they had great love for each other and also for God as they tended to and watched over the Garden. They even walked with God in the Garden in the cool of the evening. It was a perfect relationship! They had each other and they had fellowship with God.
And then Trouble with a capital T slithered into their perfect Garden world. It’s easy for us to say these “watchers” should have been on guard for that intruder. Eve and Adam listened to Satan disguised as a talking serpent, and he tempted them and caused them to distrust God. He tempted them to believe lies instead of the truth that God loved them. They fell….hook, line and sinker. Like fish caught on the devil’s fishing pole, they took the bait and ate the forbidden fruit.
It was a terrible sin. They tried to hide from God. They felt ashamed of their nakedness. And when God called them out and asked them what they had done, Adam blamed Eve instead of taking responsibility for his actions. Eve blamed the serpent instead of repenting of her sin. Trust between Adam and Eve was broken at that point. They were no longer pure in heart. Their relationship was now full of guilt and shame and Trouble.
Sadly, their disobedience and Trouble has been handed down to us from that very beginning of time. Now we are all in Trouble with our relationships. Each of us is born with a sin nature – we are self-absorbed and self-consumed and self-protecting. We are lovers of ourselves instead of loving God with all of our hearts and loving our neighbors and friends and family as ourselves.
One of the biggest Troubles with relationships is abuse. Abuse is a sin. Instead of kindness and respect, abuse is about power and control. Abuse can be physical violence against another person or it can be the deeply painful hurt of being told we are no good, that it’s all our fault, that we are worthless or that God doesn’t love us.
Abuse can be sexual or psychological, spiritual or financial, overt or covert, but it will always be a repeated pattern of one person trying to control another person, intimidating another person, bullying, scaring or threatening another person and exerting power over another person.
Just as Adam and Eve had a very red flag (a TALKING serpent!) in the Garden of Eden, we also need to be aware of the early danger signs that Trouble might be lurking and looming. Please consider these red flags when beginning a new relationship: possessiveness, extreme jealousy, unusually quick involvement with love bombing, controlling behaviors, lack of responsibility for unkind actions, critical (or prideful) attitude, low self-esteem, unforgiveness, mood swings, explosive anger or alcohol/drug use.
When sin entered the world through the disobedience of Adam and Eve, abuse entered relationships right alongside sin. Of course, not every relationship is messed up with abuse. But there is definitely an upswing of abuse today. It is important to recognize the many ways that abuse can happen in relationships.
Please be aware of these common forms of physical abuse: punching, hitting, slapping, kicking, burning, strangling, pushing, biting, scratching, pinching, pulling hair, slamming against the wall, grabbing and squeezing, restraining with force, using a weapon, twisting arms or fingers, throwing objects at you, abandoning you in a dangerous place.
Sometimes an abusive person will be passive/aggressive in their violence! They might be pretending to give you a hug, but it’s so strong of a hug that you can’t breathe. They might roll over on top of you while you are lying down and purposely not move off, pushing all the breath out of your lungs. If they block you from leaving a room, or even lock you in a room, that is abuse.
Sexual abuse is any sexual behavior that is purposely uncomfortable and uninvited, such as: date rape, unwanted kissing or fondling, forcing you to do what you don’t want to do, painful touching or calling you derogatory names.
Did you know that emotional and verbal abuse can leave long-lasting but invisible scars? Many people have actually said they wished the abuse had been physical so that they could show someone and be believed. Here are some examples of emotional/verbal abuse: yelling and screaming, racial slurs, name-calling, insulting, humiliating, threatening suicide, threatening to harm you or your family, friends, or pets.
If they prevent you from going to church or your youth group, that’s abuse. If they tell you that all you need is them, that’s abuse.
If they consistently blame you for causing the abuse, or if they control your actions and ask you to account for every minute away from them or every dollar you spend, that’s abuse.
If they isolate you from your friends and family, if they continually criticize or belittle you, that’s abuse. If they drive recklessly to scare or intimidate you, that’s abuse.
If they ridicule your most valued beliefs, your heritage, your race or religion, that’s abuse. If they make all your decisions for you, that’s abuse. Stalking is abuse – no matter if it is in-person or online.
Remember, if you have a sneaking suspicion that you are being abused, you probably are. That is God’s way of helping you to recognize abuse in a relationship. God does not condone abuse or oppression. God hates oppression and abuse. God wants you to be free and safe.
