Questionnaire Time

Our friend, author and speaker, Leslie Vernick, has developed a helpful tool to determine if you are in a destructive relationship.  We’ve adapted it for quick and easy access for you today.  This questionnaire will help you identify not only whether you’re in a destructive relationship but also the ways that destruction is happening. Consider your answers in terms of “never, seldom, sometimes, frequently or almost always.”  Thank you, Leslie !!!

 

1. Does the person use physical force or threats of force to make you do something you don’t want to do or to keep you from doing something you want to do?
2. Does the person use verbal weapons such as cursing, name calling, degrading comments, constant criticism, or blaming to get you to do something you don’t want to do or to keep you from doing something you want to do?
3. Does the person curse at you, call you names, humiliate you in public, or degrade you when he or she is unhappy with something you do?
4. Does the person force or manipulate you to perform sexually in ways you do not want to?
5. Do you ever feel afraid of the person?
6. Does the person yell, scream, curse, or hurt you physically when he or she is frustrated or angry?
7. Does the person threaten to alienate your children from you or use them to intimidate you into giving in to what he or she wants?
8. Are you afraid to disagree with the person?
9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore you, make fun of you, or dismiss you?
10. Are you verbally and/or physically abusive toward the person?
11. Does the person always think he or she is right to the point of arguing with you until you concede or give up?
12. Does the person make most of your decisions for you?
13. Does the person control the family money, giving you little or no say?
14. Have you given up things that were important to you because the person pressured you?
15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he or she is angry or upset with you?
16. When you ask for a time out or don’t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?
17. Does the person lie to you?
18. Have you observed the person lying to others?
19. Does the person tell you something didn’t happen when you know it did?
20. Does the person question or challenge your certainty of what he or she said or did?
21. Does the person depend on you to meet all his or her needs?
22. Do you feel more like a child than an adult in the relationship?
23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn’t want to be in relationship with you?
24. When you try to talk with the person about your feelings or something that’s bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is entirely your fault?
25. When the person does something wrong does he or she blame you or anyone else for it?
26. Does the other person make excuses for his or her behavior (anger, jealousy, lies, drinking or drug use)?
27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?
28. Can you safely express an opinion that is different from the person’s?
29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?
30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?
31. When the person does something wrong, does he or she admit it and take responsibility for it?

 

Time for a little analysis now.  

 

If you answered any question up through question 25 with anything other than never, you are likely in an unhealthy relationship.  If you answered most questions with sometimes, frequently and/or almost always you are definitely in a destructive and likely an abusive relationship.

 

Questions 1-16 describe the main characteristics of an abusive relationship where the abuser’s desire for power and control is at the root.

 

Question 10 looks in particular for patterns of mutual abuse.

 

Questions 11-17 reflect less obvious ways in which the relationship may be controlling.

 

Questions 17-20 describe a relationship where deceit is present. If most of your answers reflect problems in this area, your relationship is built on lies and it is unstable.

 

Questions 21-23 describe a relationship that is overdependent.

 

Questions 24-26 describe a person who does not take personal responsibility for behavior or wrongdoing.

 

Stop here and name some of the specific destructive elements in your relationship with this particular person.  Is there physical, verbal or sexual abuse?  How about controlling behaviors and attitudes?  Is there more mutual abuse?  Are you too dependent?  Is there deceit or a lack of personal accountability or responsibility?

 

Questions 27-31 describe the basic elements of a healthy relationship.

 

These 31 questions and your answers may help you to identify some red flags in your relationship.  It may feel overwhelming to consider the serious nature of abuse and oppression, especially if this relationship was supposed to be a loving, healthy, long-term time together.  You may be feeling sad, angry, hopeless or confused about how things are going in your home or friendships.  The good news is that you are never alone!  FOCUS Ministries is here to help you sort it out, to provide support, education and caring counsel.  Please contact us today if you’d like to talk about these things.